When my sister arrived at our parent’s place, she said that our dad was going quickly, so I arranged a new airline ticket for the next day. I have all these frequent flyer miles built up and apparently they are supposed to expire in June, so that made it easier to decide something. I’m going on days that are available for the miles, not because I care so much about the cost but I can’t just make up my mind about anything. I feel frozen. I don’t know when to go or what to do or how long to stay or whether I should even go.
I’ve brought comfort things with me: a new stuffed cow that I fell for at the airport, the Solar Queen and chocolate. I also have “Fara”, the travel Foro. The Crazy Sheep Lady named her, on Instagram. I’ve decided it stands for “Foros Are Really Awesome”.
The real Foro was spending the week with my partner, since I try to share him. Foro is “our” cow.
I’m trying to remember to let go of the sadness. Feel it when it comes, cry when I need to, then let it pass. I’m trying to breathe, deeply, and bring my shoulders down. I’m remembering to be polite, and to look people in the eyes; my grief does not give me an excuse to stop working on myself. In fact it’s the best test.
The cows are there to remind me. Remember when you see something beautiful to really see it. Be in the here and now even when that hurts.
The Solar Queen:
Sometimes when I pass by people I know, I wave my hand at the wrist and tell people I’m in training to become the Queen. “Or the Pope” I add. And what do I see in a shop last weekend? Queens and a Pope, waving their hands from the wrist, with the wave powered by a tiny little solar panel either on the Queen’s purse or the Pope’s robe.
So I bought one. I made sure to get a Queen with a hat, because it reminds me of a gender debate about the Teletubbies. (Are they boys? Are they girls? One of them wears a funny hat, is it supposed to be the Queen?) She’s in the bag.
When I bought it, I’d planned to give it to my step-mother. Maybe it will make her smile?
The best anti-depressor I know of. I always bring chocolate when I visit my family. This will never change.
So Cows, Queens and Chocolate, oh my! We’re off to see the Wizard, except I’m off to hug my family, and say good-bye to my dad.
My sister had telephoned not long before I got on the plane; he’d died.
I missed him, and now I’ll miss him.