I’d Like to Apologize

There are so many things for me to apologize for, being the usual sort of hypocrite one finds in the world (judging others for behavior that I’m guilty of myself, not liking to admit that I don’t know something or that I’m wrong, you know, the usual). In this case I would like to apologize for not getting on a plane to visit friends and family this week.

I didn’t have the right paperwork to get on the plane, and really could have pushed to get the visa I needed but there were three things going on. The first is that traveling/karma thing (the guy who just missed getting on the Titanic sort of thing — why push it). The second was that my partner had been sick all week, and while I didn’t have very many symptoms, I also wasn’t sure if they were just waiting in the background to take off as soon as I did. I never wound up falling sick, but I did have three days where I slept twelve hours at night. That could have been me fighting off the illness, or just depression, so who knows.

The last is that I just didn’t want to go. I wanted to see my family, my friends, the folks that still live in a country that I renounced, but there was the traveling (at very, very best, I find flying uncomfortable and a bit annoying) and then the border fears: were they going to look through my phone? my laptop? Were they going to take issue with a blog featuring a stuffed cow? Is my writing in this blog going to be seen as seditious? Or was the fact that I’d given up my nationality going to get me thrown in some ICE prison? I was spending my time trying to memorize all those important phone numbers that are usually stocked in our phones, because I was imagining them taking it away and telling me “I have one phone call” and not even knowing how to call for help. And then I didn’t have the visa and took it as a sign. I didn’t have to go.

So I’ve done something else with my time. I called a friend who’s partner is out of town for a little while and we’re doing some long walks and having some long talks. Spring is here and it’s green and full of birds. I feel ridiculous because I couldn’t get on the plane, but also really happy to be where I am at the moment, with Foro. But I’d like to apologize.