Sadness

Sometimes it hits me so hard I want to curl up in a ball and whimper. I’m ready for 2020 to be over with. My father passed away, and millions have died from COVID, and more will continue to die. My life, and so many other lives, have been upended. Normally I’m okay to deal with all this hard stuff, but sometimes it’s too much.

On top of it all, my partner had dinner with someone last week who called him on Friday to say he’d tested positive for COVID. My partner needed to quarantine, and all I could think of is that I so wanted to see him and couldn’t, and not that he might get sick.

That’s what happens when you’re sad; you can’t think of anyone else in your sadness. You spend your time staring at your bellybutton and can’t see all the good things around you.

So I’m going to make a list today of small things that bring me joy, and try to think of them as much as possible.

1. the sun (which I can really rejoice in this morning because the fog dropped further down toward the valley and my village is in the clear today. It’s going to be beautiful!!)
2. drinking water from the tap (this is such a miracle of modern life, and the water in my village is really tasty)
3. hot baths (at the moment, I have to run the water for a long while in order to get warm water up from the heater. I’ve started taking more baths because I can use all of it. It runs cold for several minutes and I just keep the hot going after until I enough for a bath)
4. yoga/meditation (I’ve been pretty regular in practicing, and even when I think I don’t want to do it, it always feels great afterwards)
5. seeing/talking to friends (since I was sad this weekend, I called people and it was great to get news. I also went for a socially distanced walk outside with an old friend who I don’t get to see so often. It was lovely.)

And Foro makes me happy. Even when I’m sad (and can’t access my fantasy life where I can communicate with a stuffed cow), I use him to prop up my IPhone when I do my online yoga class. Usually by the end of the class I feel better, and then I can give him a hug and get going with my day in a nicer, kinder way, including being kinder to myself.